The 9 Bars We Wish Were Real From Saturday Night Live's Stefon
It's a sad day for SNL fans: after the season finale this weekend, Seth Myers will be heading to the late night and Bill Hader will call it quits. And of all the Bill Hader sketches we loved, there was nothing quite like Stefon, the "New York City correspondent" with club recommendations that could only exist in your dreams (or more likely in your nightmares).
In honor of Stefon and the wonderful ways he's opened our minds to New York's hottest clubs, here are the Stefon-approved clubs we wish really did exist in New York.
"Slice"
Owned by Gay Leota — "He's gone crazy."
Everything This Club Has: "A dance party, twinks, gypsies, grown men in wedding dresses, a cat from a bodega, and puppets in disguise (think Alf in a trench coat)."
"Taste"
The club "that answers the question, huh?"
Everything This Club Has: "Doors guarded by homeless guys in bathing suits, ice sculptures, 'churfs' [that's chirping smurfs], DJ Baby Bok Choy, a giant 300-pound Chinese baby with tinted aviators who spins records with his little ravioli hands."
"Slash"
Everything This Club Has: "Glass, steam, bear traps, a black George Washington, and a party room filled with human bath mats — midgets with dread locks laying face down on the floor."
"Maaaarryyyyyyy"
The bar that's "currently going 9,000 miles down the West Side Highway"
Everything this Club Has: "Sharks, graphs, Power Point, the guy who thinks Jamba Juice is good for you." Bonus point: You can hear a gorilla pass a kidney stone
"Your Mother and I are Separating"
The club that's in a burned-down Red Lobster.
Everything This Club Has: "A shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch, a sensible dinner, shoes that nurses wear." Plus, you can "dance the night away to the sound of Donald Duck having a Vietnam nightmare." [editor's note: if you watch any Stefon clips, watch this if only for the Donald Duck impersonation]
"Selfie"
"If you're looking to get hurt and go completely insane," the club is based on the novel Push by Sapphire.
Everything This Club Has: A Jeff Gordon's fisherman, chutes, ladders, an outdoor concert from a Zoloft commercial, and a human fanny pack."
"Jelly Balls"
"Located on the upper lower side," owned by deranged fashion designers Nick Nolte and Gabbana.
Everything This Club Has: Champagne ("or is it piss?"), "Slurpees, bitter bugs, guarded by an army of hobo cops — homeless robo cops."
"*Cue Loud Breathing Noise*"
Located in an abandoned white fish factory in upper Israel.
Everything This Club Has: "Ghosts, ghouls, goblins, my son, the two guys in Wham in a two-man horse costume — spoiler alert, they're both in the back — and 'fraisins,' raisins that look like Fraisier."
"Scampy"
Illegally parked by the Statue of Liberty.
Everything This Club Has: "Kozers, frat boy guru Deepak Chopra, zip drives, Ke$ha, and a drowned albino who looks like Axyl Rose, and a special workshop [for kids] where you can build a bear — not the kind you think."
"*Cue Chirping Sounds*"
Written and directed by James L Brooks.
Everything This Club Has: "Backpacks, sea lions, Ron Wood, a Rolo car filled with bottled water, my best friend Joel, plus evil celebrity chef Wario Batali — he's just like his brother but he doesn't wear Crocs."
