Review: Captain Morgan Sliced Canned Cocktails Are A Hard Pass

I don't like Piña Coladas, and I don't like getting caught in the rain, but I do like a good cocktail, especially one that is hassle-free in the form of a pre-made option. That's where products like Captain Morgan's new Sliced canned cocktails enter the chat. 

One of America's favorite rum brands just released four award-winning malt-based flavors inspired by classic cocktails, including Strawberry Margarita, Passionfruit Hurricane, Pineapple Daiquiri, and Mango Mai Tai. To be clear: Sliced canned cocktails do not contain rum, but they do contain a whole lot of flavor. These 12-ounce cans have a 5.8% ABV and are ready to amp up your summer BBQs, beach days, and tailgating events. If you want the flavors and vibes of a tropical drink anywhere — anytime — these new adult beverages might be calling your name.

But with so many new canned products out there, from flavorful seltzers to inventive hard teas, why go with a tried and true rum name when these creative concoctions don't contain rum? Are these new contenders in the canned department a hit? I tried each flavor in Captain Morgan's new Sliced canned cocktail line to find out. Here's all the details.

Some recommendations are based on first-hand impressions of promotional materials and products provided by the manufacturer/distributor/etc.

If you're looking to try the new Captain Morgan Sliced drinks and add a new option to your summer cooler, you can find these canned creations nationwide at your local liquor store or any place alcohol is sold in your state. The 12-ounce cans come in a 12-count variety pack, offering you and your group the best of all four flavored worlds.

The retail price is $19.99, but that number may vary depending on state and location. Be sure to drink responsibly, as these cocktails are 5.8% ABV.

Since Mai Tais were my drink of choice in my 20s, I kicked off this taste test with the Mango Mai Tai flavor. The product info stated this one offered a mix of citrus and pineapple combined with a mango base. 

I could definitely taste the mango and a whole lot of coconut, but the other flavors got lost in the mix. Honestly, I didn't like this one at all. It was really heavy when it came to alcohol flavor, too, and it was quite tart in the aftertaste.

What I will say is that Mango Mai Tai smelled really good and did have a seemingly natural mango flavor to it, even though the fact sheet stated there was no fruit or fruit juice within these cocktails. Be that as it may, it was still a no from me. This one didn't scream Mai Tai, but it did leave me screaming for some water.

Next up, I tried the Passionfruit Hurricane flavor, which had a color that looked something like a wild Gatorade drink. This one tasted like a mixed drink I'd order when I was 21, not knowing what a good alcoholic beverage should taste like. It was so acidic and way too tart, and the passion fruit really overtook the profile. Honestly, there was nothing redeeming about this combination. I also didn't get any notes of lemon or orange as promised; it was too weighed down by the malt.

While I did get strong passion fruit flavoring on my palate, which was the intended goal, the acid on the backend from the malt would kill my stomach if I had more than a few sips. While I didn't let this drink kill my stomach, it did kill my vibe. 

This was another hard pass for a hard canned cocktail. So far, none of these mixed drinks were translating to canned life.

At this point in the taste test, I was fearful of my next sip, all the flavors being way too sweet and acidic for my liking. I begrudgingly picked up my next can to try: Pineapple Daiquiri. Overall, there were some nice surprises here compared to the rest, but that's not saying much.

Pineapple Daiquiri was definitely the most refreshing option in the bunch, offering a real pineapple juice flavor. It was also the only can that didn't scream alcoholic beverage, which was quite welcomed at this point. I'm too old to drink a mixed drink that tastes like it was made at a college house party.

To be clear, I'm not saying this drink was a winner. That tart pineapple "juice" mixed with the malt killed my stomach and my mouth. This one needed to be watered down and/or mixed with something else to chill it out, which was the opposite point of having a quick and easy canned cocktail at the ready.

Last up was the Strawberry Margarita flavor, and boy, was this one a doozy. Holy bananas was it tart! It tasted like an unsweetened, sour strawberry lemonade, and the color was vibing electric. I didn't know what to make of this last flavor. 

Strawberry Margarita wasn't necessarily bad, as it did have refreshing qualities compared to some of the other flavors. I do love a good strawberry lemonade, but the taste didn't exactly match the label. You could absolutely tell this was teeming with alcohol, and again, that's just not my drink vibe.

Overall, this one packed a punch, and it was one I never want to experience again. The acid was just too much to bear, and the flavor didn't match the label. This was another stomach killer in the lineup. Sorry, Captain Morgan, these drinks just weren't for me.

Unfortunately, I don't have any nice things to say about Captain Morgan's Sliced canned cocktails, which is a shame because this brand is my go-to rum for delicious cocktails. I've been a Twisted Tea drinker for most of my adult life, and I've recently found a new love of High Noon's tequila seltzers, a sentence I never thought I'd utter, so I do know a thing or two about canned drinks. But when it came to these cocktails, they were all a hard pass.

Between the acidity, the sugar, and the alcohol-heavy taste, I'd rather just make myself one of these drinks or head out to a local bar and have a professional make one for me. I know there are a lot of quick fixes in the world of alcohol now, but I think these drinks and these flavors should remain part of the mixologist world — sans can. If you're looking for a good cocktail and or a summertime drink, I'd stay away from these. There are better canned options on the market.