These Foods Simply Should Not Exist

Some foods simply leave us scratching our heads, not exactly due to disgust, but because they legitimately have no right to even exist on this planet. 

For those unaware of what aspic is, we're glad you asked. Basically, it's Jell-O, but generally flavorless and colorless. Once upon a time, people thought that it was brilliant to suspend other foods, like various meats and entire salads, inside of it. Thankfully, a couple decades ago, the general public collectively wished for all dishes involving savory items suspended in gelatin to go away, and they did. See? It is possible!

Millions of Americans most likely have no idea what real maple syrup, one of the most delicious foods in existence, tastes like. The culprit? Pancake or breakfast syrup, usually nothing more than high fructose corn syrup and artificial colorings and flavorings, taking its place on grocery store shelves. And that we can't abide. 

Burgers are one of the world's perfect foods. The bun is an essential component of constructing a great burger, but some types of buns work better than others. Simple sesame-topped buns are great, for example. As are potato rolls. The jury's still out on English muffins. But you know what doesn't work? ENTIRE GLAZED DOUGHNUTS. Mark my words: Hundreds of years from now, this is how we'll be remembered as a society. 

Also called krab or crab stick, imitation crab is made by puréeing fish (usually Alaska pollock), combining it with egg white or some other binder, adding lots of salt and "crab flavoring," magically turning it into something that looks like string cheese (right down to the peel-away fibers), then painting it partially red. You know what you can do instead of going through this lengthy process? Eat actual crab. 

Everyone thought that this was a lame joke until it actually became reality: bacon, two types of cheese, and mayo-based sauce in between two pieces of fried chicken. Believe it or not, people actually ordered this monstrosity, and now the chain has introduced the "Zinger DoubleDown King," which adds a burger patty into the mix. Make it stop!

This dish (if you can even call it that) shouldn't exist for several reasons. One, starch on starch. Two, it's pointless. It's like taking two slices of white bread and adding mashed potatoes and a slice of cheese. If you want pizza, eat pizza. If you want mac and cheese, eat mac and cheese. But don't tell me that there's a reason for taking a pizza crust and putting mac and cheese on it, because there isn't. There just isn't.

Hey, let's stack five pizzas on top of one another, then slice it like a cake!

Or actually, let's not. 

Replacing bread with other silly things is in vogue at the moment (hence the doughnut burgers and the DoubleDown), as is ramen. First there was the ramen burger, which is actually a nicely constructed dish, so we won't knock it. But you can't just take noodles, shape them, fry them, and use it as a taco shell. You can use a corn tortilla, a flour tortilla, a hard shell, but not fried noodles. We just won't allow it.  

This may come as a surprise to some, but truffle oil is a monstrosity. If you've ever eaten a dish lavished with thin slices of real truffle, with its intoxicating aroma and subtle earthiness, you'll know what I'm talking about. Truffle oil, on the other hand, smacks you in the face with its flavor, overpowers just about anything you drizzle it over, and, oh yeah, it doesn't contain any real truffle. You know what truffle oil is made from? Olive or grapeseed oil, artificial odorants, and an aromatic thioether called 2,4-Dithiapentane. If you want your food to taste like truffles, save up and buy a truffle. Until then, let it go.  

There are onion rings. There are chicken nuggets. Apparently someone in the White Castle R&D department decided that we want our chicken to be in the shape of rings, too, because that's exactly what they started selling. Apologies, but there's something just wrong about molding meat into "fun" shapes.