9 Wedding Toast Fouls

So, you're the best man or maid of honor. You've been tapped to give a toast at what will be (hopefully) the most important day in the lives of the bride and groom, the day they've been waiting a lifetime for. So what are you going to say? Is your mind blank? Do your palms sweat just thinking about all those people — the parents, grandparents, friends, and co-workers — just staring at you and waiting to hear something funny or insightful or at least a little bit meaningful? Well, we can't write your speech for you, since we've never met the subject of your speech, but we can certainly give you advice on what mistakes you shouldn't make!

Click here for tips on How to Deliver the Perfect Toast.

1. Inside Jokes

Did you grow up next door to the bride? Have you remained bestest, bestest friends ever since you made up after that fight you had over whose Barbie was whose? Would you like to commemorate that in a speech at your best friend's wedding? Well, please don't. Personal anecdotes are pure gold when it comes to speech-making, but if the subject matter is so utterly old and obscure that no one but you and the bride or groom will understand, please omit it in favor of something a little more universal, like "Remember that summer we killed that old fisherman and then..." Wait. Maybe stick to the Barbie story. 

Click here to see Tips for Toasting Any Occasion.

2. Form Speeches

Whatever you do, do not search for best man speeches using Google. You will inevitably come across a speech you find hilarious but has been used so many times as to sound like a yo mama joke. A common example is as follows: "We always knew [bride] would one day find a kind, wonderful man to sweep her off her feet, good thing [groom] got to her first." Pause for applause.

3. The Droner

Some speech makers like to make up for lack of substance in their speech by extending it ad infinitum to the point where the geriatric attendees are falling asleep in their soup. Though this type is less common than, say, the Google speech, it is no less grating. The droner often offers anecdote after boring anecdote about such things as that time he or she was there the first time the groom got a haircut or the bride got her ears pierced. Riveting! And though the audience may coo and ooh and aww, what they really want is the speech to finally end so they can gulp-not sip-when they raise their glass.

Click here to see Toasts Caught on Tape.

4. Sibling-Speak

Are you super-ultra-cutesy close with the bride? Did you go to summer camp together and bond over kissing boys and trying beer for the first time? Did you move off to the big city together and share an apartment and gab every single night about guys? Then you sound like the perfect gal to be making a speech at your best friend's wedding. But did you come out of the same womb? No. No you didn't. So try and refrain from doing what every single other bridesmaid does — that is: saying you and the bride "are sisters." You aren't and until science gets really crazy high-tech and learns to swap out all your DNA, you never will be. Get used to it.

5. Reviving the Greek Tragedy

"Remember, back at [insert fraternity/sorority house name]!? Remember!? That time we egged the [house] and we all nearly got arrested and then drank until we puked to celebrate our getaway and triumph over the rivals. Remember!?" Well, maybe we don't remember. Though any fraternity member is sure to invite many of his brothers to this wedding, it must be said that non-members were invited, too, and they probably have no clue what Mr. Glory Days is talking about. Nor do they care to hear about the possibly-illegal shenanigans involved. Our suggestion, if you're going to dwell on the past, is to avoid going on about binge drinking and drug use. Just sayin'.

6. The Shameless Provocateur

Some people, guys especially, take the opportunity of a wedding toast to drudge up as much explicit dirt on the groom as possible and proceed to air it in front of an entire group of parents, co-workers, families-in-law, and neighbors. Don't be that person. And if you're the one choosing who will give the speech, the Shameless Provocateur may be the number one person to avoid. Easy to pinpoint, he is the perpetually single, broke, and greasy friend who routinely recounts his own sexual escapades whilst trying to get you to commiserate. 

7. My Mom, My Marketing Director

"And just so you know, my Amy designed those menus all by herself and if you haven't noticed there has been a donation made to the Save the Spotted Gecko Foundation in your honor in lieu of a favor. And even fewer of you probably know that my Amy is a master fencer, nearly at the Olympic level..." and so on. These moms like to tout the unending talents, gifts, and piety of their sons and daughters. Impressive as it all may be, Moms, save your breath and keep the guests from cringing. Just stop the gushing before you delve into your daughter's childhood gymnastics prowess.

8. The Co-Worker Conundrum

So, you happen to be best friends with your co-worker. Such best friends that you were asked to speak at his wedding. But what will you say? Don't offer anecdote after anecdote about what it's like to share an office with him. "Remember that time you mixed up the TPC reports with the FTO files? What...a...disaster! Am I right or am I right?" Though the guests will give some obligatory applause, the sip will be more of a gulp after this toast, too.

9. The Remedial Reader

No matter how much you love them and want them to participate in your wedding, there are just some people who should not be allowed to give a speech in front of a group. Ever. One of these types is the remedial reader. He or she may very well be whip smart in most situations, but when reading aloud and in front of people, they morph back into their second grade selves where reading aloud is a terrifying task and sentences come out flat and monotone. Whether out of fear or bad penmanship, you must not allow the Remedial Reader to give a speech at any cost — it is embarrassing to him/her, to the audience, and to you. And if you're the remedial reader, well, maybe just decline the opportunity all together for everyone's sake.