7 Tips For Surviving Family Reunions Slideshow

My parents, brothers, and sister have been traveling to the same lake cabin ever since I was born so one would think we knew how to get there. Nope. In our family, we don't use common directions that include highway numbers and street names. Instead, it's more like, "Turn left at the giant fish statue". The back roads always take us off the paved path.

Riding shotgun is a heavy responsibility, and the first order of business — before selecting the tunes — is to make sure that the driver knows where he (Because it's always a "he", isn't it?) is going. By assigning one person to directions duty, and giving them the last word, you'll save yourself a car full of "No you idiot, we go right at the fish!" 

Like a well-oiled business, we have begun delegating everyday tasks among the family members. One of the best decisions has been assign one family to kitchen duty every night. They are in charge of picking up the groceries, cooking the meal, and cleaning up. With three different families eating together, this means that everyone works one night and then takes the next two off. It has helped us to better define who is doing what and make sure that no one gets stuck behind the stove shouldering a larger workload than the others. Every. Single. Night.  

I have nothing against pets. In fact I rather like dogs — my dogs. Yours, eh, they're OK, but maybe I don't like it when they want to lick my hands or rub against my leg, shedding on my shorts. They shake water off their fur and get bystanders wet. They never seem to obey the commands. You yell, "HereI" and they run in the opposite direction. Also, they poop, which is understandable. But a yard full of land mines is not. Do everyone a favor and leave your pet at home. The humans are already going to create enough friction, why escalate it further with a rambunctious animal? 

If you're gathering over the weekend, the question of attending church might come up. As the head of the family, my grandmother issues the marching orders and her dictum is — and always has been — that we will go to mass as a family.

As Catholics, it's nothing new. But, on occasion, certain family members don't want to arrive as early as my grandmother requires. Or they want to skip mass altogether. You can guess who has the final word. Like the United States government, my grandmother does not negotiate. Rather than putting up a futile fight, it's much easier to appease the woman and give her an hour of our time, no matter how we feel about leaving a beautiful lake for the confines of a chapel. 

Because it's "tradition", my family always serves a bone-in ham the size of Texas. We've gone so far as to name the dinner "Damn, it's Ham." The consensus is that ham is good for one meal, usually two. But even with 20 of us picking away at the hunk of meat, the leftovers seem to stretch for days. There are ham sandwiches, ham and pea pasta, ham soup, more ham sandwiches, ham and eggs, pickled ham, more ham sandwiches, cold ham salad, ham casserole, and more ham sandwiches...

Perhaps, your family serves a similar staple that leaves everyone thinking... Well, I couldn't think of anything catchy to rhyme with casserole, but you get the idea. Like church, you could try and appeal to your tribe's higher power. Good luck with that! The best approach is to eat whatever is served. It might not be your favorite dish, but it should get you to the next feeding, which, hopefully, will be brats.  

This goes beyond being attached to your mobile device and placing it on the dinner table so that you can respond to messages between bites. There are times when you must take care of an urgent assignment, even if it falls during a family vacation. But don't make a show of it to try to impress your family members or get them to feel sorry for you. Yeah, we know you've got a high-flying career, and you're awfully important in your industry, but to us, you're the one who has to do dishes tonight, so get in the kitchen and start scrubbing. 

Never, ever, ever tweet, post on Facebook, or, god forbid, write for hire about the wild, wacky world of your family. As much as you meant for it to be a rant that only your friends saw, this is the Internet and nothing is safe.